7 & 12 -- poetry by Jane Doe
It comes back like a headache in the middle of the night
Do you remember how she always wanted you to be the man? which meant going above her and helping her up after you run into her and you both fall on her bedroom carpet.
You might have kissed the second girl but it’s kind of fuzzy because it was all pretending.
She said “my turn” after you couldn’t help yourself and went ahead and now she sounds like your boyfriend in your head because it wasn’t real but he is.
In the car your parents asked what you did with her
you listed the few things you did in the margins and felt shame and fear so deep you regretted having done it in the first place
when you were alone in your room at night pressed against yourself and listening for them
and seeing yourself in the future, admitting a dark secret to your imaginary future family in the living room, hoping everyone would laugh about it like “what a silly kid you were. It’s okay now, there was no need to worry so much.”
There wasn’t but the guilt swings low and carves out your stomach when you face another door you have to keep closed and you want nothing more than to bury yourself in your boyfriend’s bed and to know even though one girl was the first and the other was the second
stuff in beds doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to.
Jane Doe is a high school junior from New Hampshire and Vermont who spends her free time soaking up the world's colors and squeezing them out through photography, poetry, short stories, human interaction, and even a novel that she's been working on for far too long. She plans to publish a book one day.