How to Build a House of Cards: the Comprehensive Guide to Living With OCD — Alethea Lohse
Step 1:
Create a sturdy foundation using only inherently unstable materials.
Obviously,
you know
it’s irrational.
Your hands must be spotless.
You’ve now washed them
long enough that the water’s run cold
but you can’t
stop.
You scrub the soap in
so frantically, the skin on your palms
breaks. Blood stains
white suds peony pink.
Burning, torn flesh
washes down to clog the drain
and you
are still
not
clean.
Step 2:
Cautiously stack upwards, risking destruction with every addition.
“Healing” looks like a small, warm office–
glaring fluorescent lights,
a sofa that seems to swallow you.
Therapy is yet another routine,
comforting in its familiarity.
The easing scent of artificial citrus,
a sharp, cooling taste of mint.
The same questions,
the same answers.
“Are you aware these behaviors aren’t healthy?”
“Is this your way of maintaining
control?”
“What are you
so afraid
of?”
Step 3:
Repeat the delicate balance, again and again and again and again.
You live your days walking a tightrope.
Step, by shaky step, staring
into the abyss of madness gaping,
endless and waiting
at your feet.
You do not know if
those rituals and routines you cling to
are the fraying highwire, your last
salvation—
or the looming void
that threatens to
consume you.
Step 4:
Be ready for it all to come crashing down around you.
A house of cards can never last long.
No matter how careful,
Shaking hands
always
eventually
slip.
Paper-thin
pieces of
yourself
flutter
down
onto
the
floor.
You pick them
back up
and
you try
again.
Alethea (Jamie) Lohse is a young queer artist in her senior year at Douglas Anderson School of the Arts Creative Writing Department. She explores all genres in her work but specializes in sequential art, Southern Gothic fiction, and free verse poetry. She currently serves as Community Engagement Director for Élan International Student Literary Magazine and hopes to study anthropology in college.