Content Warning: eating disorders, self harm.
Milk and Bones
I drank milk
Gulping down the calories
So my bones wouldn’t deteriorate
So my bones would grow strong and thick
So I wouldn’t look so skeletal
So when people saw me they didn’t see a dead girl walking
So the dentists wouldn’t find me out
So when I finally stripped my skin off
I’d be a pretty skeleton
I wonder how much I’ll weigh
When all my fat, muscle, and tissue is finally stripped off
To reveal my pretty bones
I wore sweatshirts and sweatpants
So no one would see how bad it got
In private I would admire my angles
Where the bones protrude through my skin
In public I’d pretend they were curves
That I was somehow healthy and bone skinny at the same time
So no one would see my ribs at the beach
So no one would know how cold I am
So they could see how skinny my thighs were
Without seeing my skin tight around my bones
Wearing my sweats I could convince myself I was okay
And that no one noticed my wan face or thinning hair
I became a storyteller
I told my doctors made up numbers that fulfilled their fantasies
I filled the calories with fairytales of food
A spoonful of oatmeal becoming a bowl of saccharine cereal wearing a tiara of strawberries
Half an unseasoned egg white bibbidi bobbidi booed into cheese and vegetable omelettes
I told stories of avocados with spears of greasy asparagus attacking the village of my mouth
Dragon fruits slayed by wizards in their starfruit spangled capes
Salads defeated by the fork in shining armor
The pretty cupcake princess
The ding dong in distress
And the pancakes I “ate” last week
And when I got home it was the food I ate for lunch
I told my parents of the fried happily ever after I was eating
How I married the chicken nugget prince
And moved to a veggie side kingdom
In a forest of fries far far away
And I wore my sweatpants and crewneck sweatshirt
Like a knight in shining armor
I wore my “fast metabolism” like a crown
And cast my stories like spells
Putting the kingdom of worried subjects into a sleep of lovely dreams
I was an artist
And my body was my art
I sculpted by body into lines
Like the skeletons I drew in art class
Drooping with flowers
I became them
I became the skeleton
And when that wasn’t pretty
When my skinny waist and thin thighs were marred by thin hair and ghost eyes
I carved roses and thorns into my skin
Roses can't blossom without the thorns
I know this because I can’t make size double zero look big
Without my elbows making my arms look too small
I know this because I can’t eat negative calories
Without also being starving not hungry all the time
And when I eat too much I can’t get rid of it all
Without spending too much time on and over the toilet
I made my arms a garden
Where I grew lovely blood blossoms
Hoping to someday peel off every layer of skin
Until I was finally just bone
But I never go deep enough
Because ever since I almost died
I’ve had images stuck in my head
Of my bones on a flower bed
Of my parents placing a floral funeral wreath by my coffin
And I remember my will to live
Before the clinic I used to forget
All the time
Before the clinic they found me in the woods
Bleeding out
Blood staining
The little white daisies around me
And my parents were a wreck
Whenever I cut myself I remember their tears
Mixing with my water-thin blood on the chamomiles
So I can never cut deep enough to kill again
I just carve bloody roses
And remember their tears
Opening and closing the pre-carved wounds
My skin like a garden blooming
I was an actress
On thanksgiving
After the clinic
I put on a show for my family
I was the ringmaster and the food was the circus
I tore into the turkey and potatoes and stuffing
I licked the cranberry sauce off each finger with a smile
And people smiled back at me
The corn walked a tightrope into my mouth
And I laughed as the mac ’n cheese did somersaults into my tummy
The turkey was the clown
Who’s red face made me laugh across the table
Who’s laugh disappeared down my throat as I snarfed him down
The brussels sprouts tamed the bacon tigers
And I put them in between the barred cages of my teeth
I moved the audience to tears
The next day I went to the empty gym
The show was over
The audience was gone
And ran until I dropped to the ground
Until the lights went out
And the darkness welcomed me
The applause echoing in my ears
Wondering if it was worth the cost as my head hit the ground
I was happy
I wasn’t depressed...
On my birthday my parents got me a cake
Dripping with creamed sugary vomit and roses red like the devil's eyes
And I ate it daintily
Plucking off each rose as they mocked me
Shutting them up one by one between my teeth
Shyly I told them thank you
Letting a pretty tear fall as I reminded them that this was my first cake in years
Letting them be proud of me
And I was happy
I pretended to enjoy the cake until I wasn’t pretending
Until the sugary frosting didn’t burn my insides
Until I realized I wanted a second piece
And that’s the thought that got me to stop myself
Tighten my leash and walk myself to the bucket
In the dead of night I puked my insides out
Cake down the sewer
I rinsed the bucket out with the hose
Only the moon watched me
With it’s unblinking milky eye
I made friends
New people looked at me
More people talked to me
Even if it was just about my weight
Even when I stopped sitting with my friends in the cafeteria
I was scared they’d say something
And horrified by the sounds the monsters made in their mouths
Smack smack smacking them into caloric oblivion
I couldn’t take it
I stayed in the bathroom
But I never felt alone
Because on my phone I go through comments on my instagram
Telling me how beautiful I am
How lucky I am to be so skinny
And the girls who came to me
My new friends
Asking how they could get rid of the monsters like I did
The answer is fear, counting calories, and becoming insatiable
Insatiably strong
Insatiable when I meet food and strong enough not to eat it
Insatiable when I step on the scale and watch the number drop
And strong enough to let it keep dropping without dropping dead myself
I am…
Gone really
I was so good at it all
After the clinic I knew how to do it so my facade wouldn’t crack
All they saw was my happy, my art, my acting, my new friends, my stories and fairytales,
My food (I never ate), my milk, my sweats
I never let them really see me
They never got a glimpse
They saw what the so desperately needed to see
And I made it so they saw it
I made it so perfect they wouldn’t want to see anything but my stories
I came so close to the end
My death weight
My skeleton draped in pretty funeral flowers
Farther than I had ever been before
Life was like shuffling through a dream
And death was what I was dreaming about
I didn’t realize it was all a nightmare
A nightmare when they found me lying still in my bed
A nightmare when they brought me to the hospital
A nightmare when they realized I wasn’t okay
And I hadn’t been okay for a long time
A nightmare when they realized their daughter was gone
She wasn’t dreaming, but trapped in a nightmare
By some miracle I woke up
Now I can say it was a miracle
Then it felt like my worst nightmare
Now I can say I’m alive
And I’m happy to be alive
There’s no clear road to recovery for me
And everyday is a struggle
I still have the voice in my head that shames me
I still can’t eat birthday cake without it clawing back up my throat
I don’t participate in the Thanksgiving circus
Every bite is facing a monster I know all too well
I no longer own mirrors, scales, or knives
But I’m here
I’m fighting the monsters
I can still live and breathe and laugh and smile
For real this time
And it feels so good to be happy for real
It’s nice to feel like a soul in a body
Not a skeleton trying to tear this body apart
It feels good to live life in the moment and not feel like it’s all just a dream
Filled with nightmares and bloody roses
Its feels good to know that I am more than just milk and bones
And my body
My body
Not some skeleton
Is no longer only milk and bones
Olivia Cahill always has her nose stuck in a book. Ah well, that’s not always true. Sometimes, when she actually puts her book down, she writes, creates art, takes dance classes, performs in musicals, hangs out with friends and family, and fangirls over fashion, stories, and art of all kinds. On a dry fall day, you can find her unapologetically wearing her pink sequin Ugg boots.